Who would win in a fight? Student Elections Edition
Words by “Tim Bergling”
Disclaimer: This obviously goes without saying, but for any of you fucking morons out there, please do not go and fight each other or encourage any kind of violence. This is purely a comedic (?) piece. Also, I’m writing this article before nominations have been released, so don’t crucify me if I get my match ups wrong.
And we’re back. After a 2-year hiatus, me, the one and only Tim Bergling is back to give you some more stupid commentary on everyone’s favourite time of year: student elections, or as it’s affectionately known, Stupol.
For the uninitiated, this is the time of the year hearts get broken, resumés get padded, and absolutely nothing of value is ever accomplished. As such, I thought I’d share with you my thoughts on that age-old stupol question: who of the potential candidates would win in a fight?
SRC President — Ana “Maverick” Obradovic vs Oscar “Uni Simp” Ong
The most hotly contested position — also, coincidentally, the position that has no real power (please see the 2020 AUU threatening to cut the SRC’s funding if they didn’t vote out their incumbent President).
If rumours are to be believed, the “left” have United (ha) as a coalition this year to beat back the tide against the f̸u̸c̸k̸i̸n̸g̸ ̸m̸a̸d̸,̸ ̸r̸i̸g̸h̸t̸-̸w̸i̸n̸g̸ ̸c̸o̸n̸s̸e̸r̸v̸a̸t̸i̸v̸e̸ ̸ apolitical factions of Progress and Connect (this is probably what they should’ve done last year, but bigger egos prevailed).
Representing Left Action (Socialist Alternative, Climate Action, No Staff Cuts) we have Ana Obradovic, because of course we do. As smart as she is deadly, a fierce competitor to be sure. SAlt re-education and conditioning has made her a machine, and she packs a steel-toe boot for a dirty gutter stomp.
Ana’s raw ferocity, and unapologetic anger will be key in any brawl. I suspect a veteran of many conflicts, ideologically and physically, Ana comes prepared with both enough rhetoric to make a Political Science student tremble, and enough Red Flag newspapers to sell to any spectators.
In the other corner, we have, the man, the myth, the James Bond Villain Cosplayer, Oscar Ong. A veteran of many electoral campaigns, long-time v̸i̸r̸g̸i̸n̸s̸ Stupol hacks have seen this man transition from a bumbling, chubby boy in a red shirt, to a sleek, conditioned operator, with questionably coloured RMs (and morals).
With an extensive military background, one might assume that Ong has been in a scrap or two. I will leave you to judge the photo below and decide for yourself.
Beyond his warring prowess, he is also a smooth-talker, able to convince any unwitting first-year to run with his d̸e̸e̸p̸l̸y̸ ̸m̸i̸s̸o̸g̸y̸n̸i̸s̸t̸i̸c̸ ̸a̸n̸d̸ ̸c̸o̸n̸s̸e̸r̸v̸a̸t̸i̸v̸e̸ “apolitical” faction, Progress. Beyond this, he possesses MK-ULTRA-level mind-control techniques, able to secure the vote of any individual through mere text alone.
Did I mention that he fucking loves the university management? There’s no joke here. He fucking loves them. I would say he values their opinion more than the students he “advocates for”.
Verdict: Ana victory in a knockout. Between a united left-coalition, and fighting spirit, I think she’s got this one. Honestly, the other guy’s a bit lame.
AUU Board — Felix “Fucks” Eldridge vs Georgia “Would the real WOCO please stand up?” Honan
Ah, the real faceless guys/gals/non-binary pals. This is where genuine power in student politics comes from. With t̸h̸e̸ ̸y̸o̸u̸n̸g̸ ̸L̸i̸b̸e̸r̸a̸l̸s̸ Connect catching on slightly before the dirty lefties, they were able to secure a fat majority with a Progress partnership and have held it for the last two years. Overseeing the unconstitutional removal of several elected officials, the AUU Board has been on a trajectory down for some time. A united left will seek to undo some of this damage this year, but will likely fall short, requiring another year to secure a majority, owing to the 2-year terms for directors.
In the (Labor) right corner, we have the man in the blue vest. A university cult figure at this point, or as the relics of a bygone era might say, BNOC (big name on campus for all the people born after Shrek came out), Felix currently holds the position of SRC Education Officer. After an unsuccessful crack at Board back in 2019, I have a feeling the charming devil will roll the dice one more time.
A genuinely likeable candidate, Felix has shown he has the best interests of students at heart. Liked on both sides of the political spectrum, many have questioned Felix’s ideology, and how he’s gotten so far being so aggressively centrist. Time will tell how his campaign goes this year, but expect him to feature heavily on the campaign trail.
Oh yeah — you want to know how he fights. I’m not actually sure. I only know how he f***s: well.
And in the left corner, we have Georgia Honan. Our current Women’s Officer, up until before taking on her role (ironically), was quite progressive. Since debuting at student elections last year has taken the opportunity to diminish, silence, and obfuscate the voices of women and non-men on campus who have attempted to organise. After a refusal to work with the existing Women’s Collective (but rather offer to work over them), she struck out on her own and formed the Neo-Women’s Collective (unofficial name).
This obviously drew massive backlash. Most of the criticism of Georgia and her collective was absolutely valid. However, there was an unacceptable amount of bullying, harassment, and misogyny directed towards her as well. I think some genuine introspection is required on her part, because while a minority were unacceptable, the deafening sounds of valid criticism went mostly unanswered. Also, her Neo-WoCo, which supposedly receives SRC funding, has done sweet FA this year. Step up to the plate. Show people it’s not just about power and control.
I don’t know if Georgia is running for AUU this year, but looking at the lines of succession within t̸h̸e̸ ̸y̸o̸u̸n̸g̸ ̸L̸i̸b̸e̸r̸a̸l̸s̸ Connect, she stands as a strong contender. I do think Georgia is genuinely a good person with progressive views, but her mingling with unsavoury characters has tarnished her reputation for many. Here’s hoping for a factional defection, or some genuine progressive politics from her in the future.
Verdict: idk? Georgia probably. I suspect she throws a pretty mean right hook.
General Councillor — Random Labor Right stooge vs Random Progress stooge
You knew this was coming. We see it every year. Progressive lefties sucked up into the “Labor Club”, unaware it’s full of SDA Christian Conservatives, convinced to run for something unwinnable, just to feed some more first-year votes into the ticket. Often a bit socially lacking, and frankly a bit weird. Well-meaning, but naïve.
Conversely, we have the Progress stooge. Often an international student, or connected directly with a cultural club, coerced into running with the promise of a winnable position. “You’re number 1 on everyone’s how-to-vote cards, I promise,” they’re told, before spending 40 hours campaigning, only to find they were the only ones handing out HTVs with their name on them. Impressionable, young, and with no concept they are being used and abused.
The two types of individuals that continue to make Stupol tick.
While I’ve just given two examples, I could list one for every faction. I won’t for the sake of brevity.
You hate to see it.
Winner: Fucking nobody.
Despite this piss-take, please vote in the election. Vote for people you genuinely believe have student interests at heart, and those that will actually stand up for student issues. I won’t name any particular faction (I think they all have their flaws), but if you think about it, even just for a little bit, you’ll notice a few factions that fit the criteria better than others.
Like us on Facebook for more student elections coverage. Stay tuned for our (legit) run-down of tonight’s stupol debate!
