Voters Astounded By Stupol Candidate Who Looks Like An Early 2000s Animated Fairytale Character
Maxim Buckley (definitely a real person) and Samantha Bedford (unconfirmed) report.
With the change of the seasons being confusing and many students not yet knowing what to wear, it certainly is a confusing time on campus. It seems even the StuPol candidates haven’t been immune to this. Earlier this week, Electi-On Dit witnessed shirts and shorts alongside jackets and jeans. How could their constituents feel confident in their candidates if they themselves are this confused. One thing was for sure though, the sun was out and momentarily made being outside tolerable, making it possible to spot some new StuPol eye candy 👀.
Last year’s stupol daddies may be graduating and (hopefully) moving onto better things, but the new candidates sure do have all the voters wondering “how’s the weather up there?”
International Voice and their supermodel wannabe politicians unfortunately were banned Monday morning, resulting in a more even playing field for the moderates.
Today we again ran into Amy Smith, who had even more to say about this week’s antics. “I put my shirt in the wash, not considering the structural integrity of my ‘I’ve voted’ sticker” the student reported. “I’ve had fliers shoved in my face all day!”. Electi-On Dit can confirm the allegations made by Miss Smith, the scene was like vultures flocking to carrion. One topic that was on the lips of Miss Smith, and many other students, was “who is the man with the golden hair?”.
We here at Electi-On Dit only report the finest material, gossip is just not our forte. Unfortunately, gossip was all we could get today and so, we’ve decided to run with it. “Isn’t that the blonde guy from Dreamworks’ magnum opus, Shrek 2 (2004)?” was the first response we received today when questioning students about the political candidates on show. After investigating the student’s comments, we here at Electi-On Dit believe we’ll need a hero too.
With right-wing factions offering up some pale complexions indicative of basement-dwelling redditor antics, we contend that the competition is pretty weak (unlike their bloodlines).
There have been many questions from the opposition, some alleging that the Confucius Institute has exerted cultural influence over the elections, purporting to a left-wing agenda. Obviously, there is some Communist meddling involved, how else could his hair be like that?
Amy Smith can confirm that “progressive politics have never been more appealing’’ an opinion echoed throughout the student body.
It seems that election week 2018’s strong-jawed thicc boys won’t be missed, there’s a new StuPol daddy in town.