Hub Merchandise Store to be replaced by Barr Smith South Indoor Lawns!

Words by Stasi Kapetanos

In a bold but environmentally responsible decision going into 2021, our University administration, with the full support of the Adelaide University Union, plans to tear down the university merchandise store. This will be done to make way for the new Barr Smith South Indoor Lawns, right in the middle of Hub Central!

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Speaking to On Dit, officials stated that, “The decision comes in light of a unanimous desire for the university to move away from being a corporatized profit driven institution towards being a place of openness to news ideas, compassion towards others, conscientiousness in relation to the environment and caring about the futures of students.” A most surprising reversal from everything the University and neoliberal society at large has stood for, for the past few decades.

A senior member of the University management, who spoke to On Dit on condition of non-anonymity, stated that, “…Really, life is too short to care about profits, government funding grants, KPIs, branding, and other efficiency metrics. We just want to do what is right by students and the earth, all while having a bit of fun and good laughs — after all, what is tertiary education besides the friends we make along the way?”

The University of Adelaide is also renowned for its extremely prominent online grass-enthusiast community, also known as grass-posters, whose passion for the Barr Smith Lawns forced the University to end its partnership with the Royal Croquet Club in 2021. No doubt the influence of this special-interest lobby group played a crucial behind-the-scenes role in this decision, as they are one of the key beneficiaries of this policy after anti-consumerists and, well… the earth itself. One can already imagine the sick pleasure and enjoyment these individuals will take in giving us all constant updates on the state of the indoor grass, as they debate amongst themselves whether or not it is currently in a healthy state and what measures the university should take to protect our newest lawn.

It is still as of yet unclear whether the new indoor lawns will be incorporated as an exclave of its elder brother, the outdoor Barr Smith Lawns OG, or be registered as a separate entity, “Barr Smith South Lawns”, with its own signs and web pages on Facebook and Student VIP. What is clear, however, is that the seven-by-nine meter space will be an excellent alternative location for AUU events in cases of a rainy day, with experts estimating that the space could fit up to thirty people with social distancing, if they can figure out a way to stack students vertically on top of one another.

In a surprising twist, activist remnants of Extinction Rebellion have aggressively condemned this move by the university, stating that the measure has not gone far enough. XR instead released their own proposal about what the space currently taken up by the merchandise store, as well as the entire Hub Central, should look like, pictured below.

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For now at least, we will all just have to wait and watch the grass grow.

Adelaide University student magazine since 1932. Edited by Ivan Bucalo, Stasi Kapetanos, Isobel Moore, and Michelle Roylance. Get in touch: onditmag@gmail.com

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