Guide to the Minor Parties

Words by Padg Fyfe
Artwork by Anzelle de Kock

Election time is upon us again, and it truly wouldn’t be an Australian election without a swathe of baffling minor parties contesting it. To help guide you — the humble voter — I’ve prepared a brief summary of these entities contesting the upcoming South Australian election:

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Greens

The most established “minor party” nation-wide, the Greens have a well-developed policy platform specific to SA. Students on the right might deride Greens voters, but they advocate for many policies that will help the young: rental reforms, investment in education, environmental sustainability, and improving transportation. The worst I can say for them is they swerve into NIMBYism at times, but they’re a reasonable bet.

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Australian Conservatives

Cory Bernardi’s fledgling Conservative Party recently merged with the Family First party, not unlike the accumulation of tonnes of trash and filth led to the formation of London’s infamous fatberg. They allegedly espouse a “common sense” form of government — which is true, if your idea of common sense is reactionary claptrap. Their policies overwhelmingly focus on the usual cultural grievances: obsessions with foreign aid, Safe Schools, and “the threat of Islam.” Their education policy platform includes both “the importance of children understanding the values of Western culture,” and ”the removal of all political indoctrination from the curriculum.” Coolio.

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Liberal Democrats

Ah, the Lib Dems. Currently ruled over by the gun-loving thumb David Leyonhjelm, the party also now includes Australia’s leading sentient ham, Mark Latham. Whilst they don’t have anything specifically listed for their vision of South Australia, their party platform espouses such student friendly policies as the complete privatisation of Australia’s healthcare system, and the abolition of both Austudy and Abstudy.

To vote for the Lib Dems in the Legislative Council, simply rip your ballot paper in half and place both it and yourself in the nearest recycling bin.

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Dignity

Dignity have been involved in South Australian politics for a few years, having started originally as a collection of disability advocates. It seems like they’re finally ready to break big, announcing 19 candidates for the lower house. While their platform still seems limited to greater enfranchisement and care for the disabled, this is a worthy cause.

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Advance SA

This small party was formed by John Darley and Peter Humphries last year, with Darley deserting the Nick Xenophon camp over what seems to be personality clashes. Not content to retire with his comfortable pension, John set out to start a second “firmly centrist” party. Truly visionary stuff.

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Stop Population Growth Now

I still can’t quite grasp the aims of this party from reading its policy directives. The focus on zero growth could, after all, be borne of any combination of environmental concern and outright reaction. The euphemistic reference to “responsibilities, not just rights” suggests it might be the latter.

Now get out there and work for that democracy sausage.

Padg Fyfe is made of locally sourced and 100% recyclable material.

Written by

Adelaide University student magazine since 1932. Edited by Nicholas Birchall, Felix Eldridge, Taylor Fernandez and Larisa Forgac. Email us at onditmag@gmail.com

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